Zen of Jen II: Boundaries and Confrontation

 

 

Zen is not an easy path. Facing one's self is more confronting than comforting.

Dealing with difficult people...

"Show respect to people who don't even deserve it; not as a reflection of their character, but as a reflection of yours."
Dave Willis

"Don't become too preoccupied with what is happening around you. Pay more attention to what is going on within you."
Mary-Frances Winters
.............................

The Benefits Of Confrontation

I’ve met a lot of people who are deathly afraid of confrontation. I’m not going to try to pathologize this type of thing, since I’ve been guilty of it as well. But I do wonder where it comes from. What paralyzes us with fear when we think about confronting other people? More essentially, what is so mortifying about confronting ourselves?

I’ve started to realize that the relationship between confronting others and confronting oneself is deeply important. If we neglect confrontation, we are still in the realm of resistance and avoidance, and this rarely ever brings anyone any sort of lasting peace. Confrontation is important and beneficial.

You might be saying, “Well, Buddhism is about compassion and mindfulness and all of this.” Yeah, it is. But Zen is about recognizing the unspoken truths of the world. We probe nothingness for a while and we come out the other side with a better understanding of ourselves and others. Discovering an essence or a truth always creates some sort of friction between the world you thought existed and the world as it really is. Sometimes it takes us a lifetime to discover the world as it really is, but meditation expedites this process.

So, if you’re going to take the step of starting to meditate, of cultivating mindfulness, and being aware of both yourself and those around you, you’re going to reach a point where you want to confront someone, or yourself. This happens all the time. Confrontations vary from petty skirmishes to major fights. When we feel a dissonance between our thinking and our behavior, or between how we expect others to think and behave vs. how they actually think and behave, we need to make peace with that dissonance.

 

Sometimes, confrontation is the perfect way of making peace with some sort of issue. Meditation is, in a sense, a constant confrontation between yourself and yourself. If you spend enough time simply observing the mind in focused silence, you find a lot. You have to confront a lot of latent ideas and feelings that you don’t necessarily want to. Meditation is rarely all sunshine and puppies; it can be very painful. But this pain and fear is so important. It tells us that we’re taking a risk. We can either take the risk and transcend our pain and fear, or we can run away and let them control us. The right option is obvious.

In the same way that we learn to confront ourselves during meditation, we can find constructive ways to confront others. You can’t go through life like a doormat, no matter how pacifistic you are. Sometimes you need to approach someone and say, “Listen, what you’re doing is hurting me. I might have hurt you too but I hope we can communicate and come to a better understanding of one another.” This almost always benefits both parties.

The next time you find yourself fearful of a confrontation, try to swallow your fear and jump into it. Don’t punch someone in the face or use hateful language. Simply approach them and let them know what’s on your mind. Try to explain the dissonance in a way that they can relate to. Similarly, when you find yourself thinking difficult thoughts or residing in a place of emotional turbulence, learn to confront yourself. Try to get to know yourself better.

This requires effort, but with some mindfulness and some practice we can work collectively towards a better understanding of ourselves and one another. It’s work, sure, but it’s some of the most beneficial and peace-building work we can do.

Daily Zen: Charlie Ambler

Comments

[Dungeness]

Meditation is rarely all sunshine and puppies; it can be very painful. But this pain and fear is so important. It tells us that we’re taking a risk. We can either take the risk and transcend our pain and fear, or we can run away and let them control us.

Spence, thanks for posting this. To me, it's the beauty
of the mystic path: I'm not on my own with fear. I can
hear its heavy step and not flee.

I can whisper "help me" even as the glare blinds and
pushes me inside before the end comes. So many
regrets still... I wonder if I've done the right thing. I
shout to explain why.

A beautiful friend is close now, Too many words...
just this moment and Him.

[Jen]

Hi Spence and Dungeness,

I did a search on Charlie Ambler and found his website. I like that he speaks of Zen and also the Tao. One of his posts below…

https://medium.com/@dailyzen

Founder of @dailyzen and Strike Gently Co.
Meditation, self-inquiry, and self-mastery. Est. 2008

Achieving Peace (posted Aug 3, 2018)

My decade-long meditation practice has tended to ebb and flow. Some months, I feel stressed and manic (usually the result of work). Others feel slow and almost boring (usually also the result of work). But the longer I’ve meditated the more often I experience long periods of profound calm. This peace and equanimity, combined with a genuine enthusiasm for life and what I do, makes for a pretty solid time. During these periods I often think to myself, “This is good. I’m happy.” Despite being busy and occupied, I’ve been in this peaceful zone lately and it’s worth exploring what makes it happen.

Deep happiness doesn’t come from achieving success or pushing towards new benchmarks. It’s actually quite the opposite. I find peace takes me over whenever I let go of these goals. When I’m stressed and overeager, I try to scale up everything in my life. I buy more clothes, overspend on my business, feel lonely or restless, and generally discontented. When I’m bored, I tend to feel the exact same way, but instead of overworking I distract myself with mindless entertainment or video games. They’re two extremes with the same root of dissatisfaction.

Happiness is not tied to either action or inaction, but instead what the Taoists call ‘wu-wei’, action through nonaction. We become so engrossed in living that we can calmly do everything we need to do without stress or complication. And we tend to do a better, smarter job. Our energies are absorbed by living, rather than thinking about living or worrying about what we’re doing.

When I abide by my own inner-rhythm in this way, everything tends to fall into place. I become more pleasant with my family, girlfriend and friends. I’m easy-going, less sensitive, less narcissistic, less prone to anger or anxiety. I can make important decisions with ease. I can dive in and let things happen as they are meant to happen. My business always does well, because I scale back and stop trying to force growth. The business tends to spend less and make more during these peaceful periods. And my inner-dialogue completely changes. Instead of, “What can I do more? What can I get more of?” It changes to, “I’m grateful. This is cool. I don’t need much else.”

I consider this peace to be the ultimate center of life. It’s the supreme goal; all other goals are just attempted means to get here, regardless of what we convince ourselves. The mythical Lao Tzu wrote, “Hold on to the center.” When we hold onto the center, we don’t get pulled by stress or boredom. We become reflective, not reactive. We let ourselves flow with the current.

For some, success means a yacht or tenure or fame or sexual escapades. For me, it means holding on to the center. When I experience the extremes, I feel lacking. When I hold onto the center, I feel complete.

Some more words from the Tao:

Can you coax your mind from its wandering
and keep to the original oneness?

Can you let your body become
supple as a newborn child’s?

Can you cleanse your inner vision
until you see nothing but the light?

Can you love people and lead them
without imposing your will?

Can you deal with the most vital matters
by letting events take their course?

Can you step back from you own mind
and thus understand all things?

Giving birth and nourishing,
having without possessing,
acting with no expectations,
leading and not trying to control:
this is the supreme virtue.

[777]

@Brian wrote :
So I haven't traded my belief in RSSB for anything else. I've just stopped believing that the guru is God, or that God exists.

So we are now in Version 2.00 because now you
believe in "existence" , you declared a year ago

I believe that your and Laura's atheism consist in thinking
"Nobody is caring about us" - like "we are on our own"

Must be harsh, . . . such thoughts

777

Posted by: 777 | October 18, 2018 at 05:35 AM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p71QK5TZDCc

Posted by: 777 | February 10, 2019 at 12:46 PM

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[777]

Can you coax your mind from its wandering

NOOOO

But often HE makes me Love

777

[Jen]

My early morning routine... looking for quotes that make me laugh as well as inspirational ideas...

"Have no fear of perfection, you'll never reach it"
- Salvador Dali

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it"
- Terry Pratchett

"I like the stars. It's the illusion of permanence, I think. I mean, they're always flaring up and caving in and going out. But from here, I can pretend...I can pretend that things last. I can pretend that lives last longer than moments. Gods come, and gods go. Mortals flicker and flash and fade. Worlds don't last; and stars and galaxies are transient, fleeting things that twinkle like fireflies and vanish into cold and dust. But I can pretend."
- Neil Gaiman

"The one thing that you have that nobody else has is you. Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision. So write and draw and build and play and dance and live as only you can."
- Neil Gaiman

[Dungeness]

And my inner-dialogue completely changes. Instead of, “What can I do more? What can I get more of?” It changes to, “I’m grateful. This is cool. I don’t need much else.”
I consider this peace to be the ultimate center of life. It’s the supreme goal.

That wonderful inner journey of centering and the gratefulness
that comes is everything. The catch -maybe the only catch-
is the "inner dialogue". As he says "the longer I’ve meditated
the more often I experience long periods of profound calm.
We can calmly do everything we need to do without stress
or complication."

[Jen]

Wow, here is the opposite of boundaries and confrontation.

A beautiful new perspective, instead of seeing the world as crazy and chaotic and wanting to escape, even though I've always thought that we each create our own world, never had it expressed so simply and clearly. It has to be real though, can't be pretence. I love this, my new practice...

The Magic of Seeing Everything as Sacred
By Leo Babauta
Posted: Wednesday, June 27, 2018

When we wake up in the morning, many of us automatically go on our phones or computers and start reading, checking messages, responding to things, and moving through our online world on autopilot.

We go through our day like this as well, managing as best we can, dealing with stress and being overwhelmed, moving through the physical world forgetting to be mindful.

For the most part, everything is normal. We’re managing. On good days, things go pretty well. On bad days, frustration and stress get to us.

But what if we could shift everything in a magical way?

What would happen if we changed the way we saw every single thing around us, including other people, including ourselves, including every little thing we see?

Try this: view every single thing you see as sacred.

See what happens.

Now, I’ll admit that “sacred” is a loaded word for many people who are not religious. It literally means “connected with God (or the gods),” and so if you’re not religious, it might seem a bit dumb. But I don’t believe in God, and still find value in the idea that things might be sacred. Hear me out.

“Sacred” is simply elevating something to the level of divine. That might be God, if you believe in God, but it could be the divinity in the universe, the miracle of existence and every moment. If you think of how crazy it is that we exist, and think of how wonderful and miraculous this universe is … I would argue that it’s divine, no matter what you believe in.

Look outside: the trees and flowers and birds you can see are filled with divinity. They are absolutely sacred. So is the wind, the stars, the sunlight falling upon the faces of strangers, the ability to see colors and to have a conversation and connection with a fellow human being.

Think of all that changes:

• If you start to see something as sacred, it no longer becomes “ho hum,” no longer becomes something you’re taking for granted. You fully appreciate the beauty of that sacred object or being.
• If you see another person as sacred, then you treat them with respect and even love, you look deep into the loveliness of their soul and broken heart, you are grateful for your connection to them.
• If you see your possessions as sacred, you don’t toss them in the trash or put them any old place — you put it away with care.
• If you see your work as sacred, you no longer feel it’s a burden, but a gift. You do it out of devotion, with love, instead of just trying to get through it.
• If you see yourself as sacred, all of a sudden you start to see the goodness within yourself. You treat yourself better, putting healthy food inside of yourself instead of junk.
• If you see the world around you as sacred, you move through it with awe. With a sense of wanting to applaud the universe for its magical creation. With a sense of purpose, being the audience of this miracle, wanting to fully appreciate it.

Look at everything around you with awe and appreciation. Treat it with respect and care. Put things away with reverence. Treat others as if you are connecting with the divine. And treat yourself with as a manifestation of the universe that has somehow been given the gift of realizing its own sacredness.

That is true magic, and it is always available.

https://zenhabits.net/divine/

[Spence Tepper]

The sacredness of all things, once seen, one appreciated, in whatever glimpses we can gather, transforms us.
777 wrote

"Can you coax your mind from its wandering

NOOOO

But often HE makes me Love

777"

Nature can stop a wandering mind.
Awe can stop a wandering mind.

For some it takes the form of the Presence of the Beloved.

We can have a relationship. We do have a relationship with life. And it's intimate.

[Jen]

Fantasies and Expectations of Others

Post written by Leo Babauta

https://zenhabits.net/fantasies-and-expectations/

Our lives are a series of fantasies — unfortunately we’re not often aware that we’re having them.
And while we all have fantasies, and sometimes they can be nice, the problem comes when life doesn’t live up to the fantasy.

Reality is amazing, but when we compare it to the fantasy (which isn’t real, of course), it doesn’t measure up. As amazing as reality is, in all it’s glory, it falls short if we expect it to be some fantasy.

This is a big reason we’re unhappy with ourselves. It’s a reason we’re unhappy with others, with our lives.

It’s also the reason we seek happiness in external things — we have fantasies about how great they’re going to be, how incredible our lives will be once we have these external things, how happy we’ll be once we have them. It’s not true, though, and when we get those external things (food, a boyfriend, new clothes, etc.) … they fall short, and don’t make us as happy as we’d hoped. And we don’t learn: we keep fantasizing, keep repeating the cycle.

Some examples of our fantasies:

• We see someone with a nice body and fantasize about getting abs like that, or arms like that.
• We want a boyfriend/spouse who will make us happy, love us unconditionally, be romantic, care for our every need.
• We fantasize about forming new habits and never messing up and having discipline.
• We fantasize that other people will be polite to us, never cut us off in traffic, never get angry, wash their dishes and clean up after themselves.
• We fantasize about having the perfect peaceful, productive morning.
• We fantasize that other people will always care about our stories, want to hear everything we have to say, care about our needs before all else.

Of course, we don’t always know we’re having those fantasies. But when we get frustrated, disappointed, irritated or angry with other people or ourselves, that’s a sure sign we had a fantasy that didn’t come true.

We are unhappy with ourselves because we don’t meet the fantasies we have about ourselves: that we should have perfect bodies, the perfect spouse, the perfect job, be good at everything, never mess up, have perfect habits, never procrastinate, and be like a movie star.

We are unhappy with others because they don’t meet the fantasies we have about how others should behave: they should be unfailing kind to us, and happy not angry, and care about us and meet our needs and make us happy, and never be rude or cold or ignore us, and always clean up after themselves and be on time.

We are unhappy with our lives because our fantasies about how life should be don’t come true: that the weather be perfect and that we have a beautiful house and a great job and always be at the center of peace and happiness and excitement, and surrounded by people who love us, and that we never lose anyone important, and that all the great things in our lives never change.

Happiness is about letting go of these fantasies, and realizing that life is amazing without them. People around us are amazing without the fantasies. We are amazing, without the fantasies.

How do we let go of the fantasies? First by shining the sunlight of awareness on them. Watch ourselves fantasize, realize that it’s happening, realize that we don’t need the fantasies. Be OK with letting them go. Watch reality closely, and recognize it’s awesomeness, as it is, without the fantasies.

It’s there. We just need to learn to see it.
................

Hi Spence, yes we do have a relationship with life and it is very personal and it can be awesome !!

[Jen]

Hi Spence,

Just had the thought that Zen can be very confusing, especially for those who are very practical and logical in their thinking. Found this article, sounds strange I know, but worth a read...

Why confusion so often precedes enlightenment:

https://medium.com/@sasha.manu95/why-confusion-so-often-precedes-enlightenment-e956d0bb870c

"Drawing from Western philosophy, Zen Buddhism and modern neuroscience, I make the case that states of deep confusion and doubt are inextricably linked to enlightenment"

[Spence Tepper]

Wow Jen!
The essay on fantasies and expectations is amazing. The author must know me...

[777]

I can not react because I don't seek "enlightenment
I don't even seek more love
I am filled so much already
Seeing/hearing HIM 24/7
Being a fish, cannot ask for more water
Ooooh. Tanaki

777

[777]

There is no fucking God.

Posted by: Atheist Man | January 25, 2019 at 11:42 AM

You lot are all sick in the head. Clear the pathway to hell for all these fuck wits.

GOD IS LOVE AND WILL SAVE ALL WHO BELIEVE IN HIM. ( Except you fucking retards )

Posted by: Iam normal | February 11, 2019 at 10:40 AM

Normal said:
"" GOD IS LOVE AND WILL SAVE ALL WHO BELIEVE IN HIM.
( Except you fucking retards ). ""

HE will save ALL
Each one on his own° time, after his own period
Not as a control freak
But just preparing us for the heat in HIS kitchen

°the Jeeva ( like to emphasize that )

7777

Posted by: 777 | February 13, 2019 at 02:15 AM

The whole situation is the answer
to my concerns when I was very young ( 10/12 )

That was : "Heaven must be so boring"

Constantly admiring That God

It's NOT
The actual is part of Heaven, grab IT asap

777

Posted by: 777 | February 13, 2019 at 02:20 AM

« Back
In the snow

Posted by: 777 | February 13, 2019 at 02:21 AM

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[s*]

Thanks Jen Two.
I like what is said there.
Sometimes I think I can not say to others what hurts me..,I think maybe it is my ego.
But so what.., honesty is the best and to discover together is communication and feels like Love.

[Jen]

Hi s*,

I know what you mean and am also very careful because I don't want to hurt peoples feelings but its so good to be able to express our own feelings and we can only hope that our honesty is accepted with gratitude or at least with patience :)

[Old Hippie]

I feel like I am mentally re-visiting the hippie era in the 60's. My brother was 7 years older than me and he was a beatnik. I feel like there was a kind of awakening in those times and even though I didn't indulge in drugs there was certainly a kind of vibe which does not seem to be around in these modern times, even though probably more drugs and alcohol are being consumed.

I suppose I am still a New Ager at heart. Found this...

From Hippie to New Ager

"They were called the New Age Community, the same energies as the Hippies, but functioning in higher frequency, maybe, involved with prophecies, metaphysics, and a sense of coming closer to finding their purpose in life.

What is that purpose? The understanding that reality is a hologram - a mathematical construct - that we are here to experience emotions. It had a beginning and is rapidly approaching its end. You don't have to meditate or do anything special to understand. When your programming is "activated" - you will remember - even if it's at the end when all Fades to Black. Today some people still use hallucinogens to find that truth and if not programmed to understand that we are living in an illusion - they will continue to search for answers."

Yep, I do think we are living in some kind of hologram and that life is illusionary...

Cheers
Jen

[777]

Jesus is a piece of shit and everyone hates christians. That is why so many forigen nations want to kill them off.
Well good fucking bye christian bitches. Lol god must be a complete handicap who loves watching catholic child porn.

Posted by: Armin hammered | September 16, 2018 at 05:36 AM

God is a filthy diseased infested piece of shit that should be burning in hell with Satan.

Posted by: Anonymous | January 03, 2019 at 03:00 PM

There is no fucking God.

Posted by: Atheist Man | January 25, 2019 at 11:42 AM

You lot are all sick in the head. Clear the pathway to hell for all these fuck wits.

GOD IS LOVE AND WILL SAVE ALL WHO BELIEVE IN HIM. ( Except you fucking retards )

Posted by: Iam normal | February 11, 2019 at 10:40 AM

( Except you fucking retards )

Entirely Correct because off their denial

like a coder forgetting the codes, . . he cannot be a programmer anymore

777

PS
but it s only the "time" which is involved
they just have a longer extension period

Posted by: 777 | February 14, 2019 at 04:33 AM

Funny. or crazy_blog

When bloggers react on deleted words

you should punish them too for their contempt
and so delete them tooo

7
Posted by: 777 | February 14, 2019 at 04:36 AM

God is a filthy diseased infested piece of shit that should be burning in hell with Satan.

Posted by: Anonymous | January 03, 2019 at 03:00 PM

GO AHEAD
HE = YOU
OMG

77È

Posted by: 777 | February 14, 2019 at 04:45 AM

[Spence Tepper]

Hi 777
Thinking is all about respect for everyone's beliefs.

It's fine to share one's own beliefs. But not to denegrate others, either of faith or no faith.

Please avoid giving publicity to such.

You do not need to publish the unkindness of others to make your own points about kindness.

Your poetry stands on its own without dilution.

Thanks

Spence

[Spence Tepper]

Oops audio spell is my worst enema..

The above should read

"This blog is all about respect for everyone's beliefs, of faith or no faith.."

[Jen]

Hi folks,

My early morning thoughts... Zen is all about focus and attention...

I like to focus on the Now. Which usually takes the course of watching the wandering mind and catching it and bringing it back to the now. Again and again. Watching what I am doing, thinking, feeling, just calmly welcoming back the feeling of being present in the Now.

The Magical Power of Focus

"Always remember, your focus determines your reality"

https://zenhabits.net/the-magical-power-of-focus/

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought.” – Buddha

[777]

YES SPENCE
I'm somewhat infected by Sar Bachan and Sri Yukteswar

77

[Spence Tepper]

Hi 777
You got infected because you drank from the same cup.

[777]

I saw them nipping . . . that was enough
maybe a spilled drop touched my skin

OMG
Ever read in the autobiography about
Yukteswar scolding a guy He just saw drinking a drop of alcool just along the road

777

2cts
guys maybe entitled yes , . . . but they cannot push younger kids
and other vulnerables with their head in their own mud
There is an intergalactic / oceanic depth mill stone law against that
as Jesus & Buddha both expressed

777

[Jen]

Quotes for the day... the beauty of poetic writing in prose...

"I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder."

Gilbert K. Chesterton

Chesterton has been called the "prince of paradox." He wrote in an off-hand, whimsical prose studded with startling formulations...

"The true object of all human life is play.
Earth is a task garden;
heaven is a playground."

[777]

Love